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successful pregnancy
By
Robert Garrett Rodriguez, Ph.D., M.P.H., M.S.
Author of What’s Your Pregnant Man Thinking?
When the first three magic words, “I love you”, were exchanged in
their relationship, Bill and Tammy could see no farther than each
other; they were the subject and the object of each others passion
and world. Perhaps it was the eyes. They stared into one another’s
eyes with confidence, affection, assurance, and devotion. Almost
every non-work activity scheduled meant doing something together.
Whether they were running errands or heading to Hilton Head…Bill
and Tammy were one figure without a shadow. They built an
unlimited number of new adventures, usually forgetting their
cameras but developing these times together in their memories.
Watching Bill and Tammy meant watching two people who held
hands…a lot…and cuddled dreamily on the couch late at night
intoxicated by the mysterious hormones of rapture. Touching
sometimes led to “torching” as their passions escalated and
culminated in a delightful free-fall glide to the mundane events of
their workdays.
Conversations were also filled with mutual discovery and interest.
Bill wanted to everything about Tammy’s ideas, feelings, thoughts,
daily events, and emotions. Tammy’s attention hung on Bill’s advice,
opinions, concerns, fears, and delights. Their talks went on
endlessly as they drove, ate, snuggled, hiked, shopped, and traveled
through miles of life.
After several years of practice and several months of making a
serious attempt, Tammy announced the next three magic words, “I
am pregnant.” This was a dream come true for both of them…and
so began their new adventure.
Now, this scenario is fairly typical of loving couples and can be
described in “the not-so-romantic biology” of forming and nurturing
a relationship, whether pre or post pregnancy.
But I want to point out some strange phenomena that
unfortunately, and unwittingly, occurs for too many couples. The
three big Ts that help form and sustain a successful relationship,
time, talk, and touch, frequently decrease during a most loving
couple’s pregnancy. And the results can be both painful and
disastrous. Already obvious to you is that knowing about the
common decrease in the dimensions of relationships will point you in
the right direction for improvement!
Research, and observation, has shown that pregnant couples
spend less one-on-one time together during their last two trimesters.
Some of the reasons couples give for this are dividing and
increasing their individual time with family members and friends,
being on separate sleep/work schedules, having to curtail former
activities they enjoyed together due to physical restrictions, and
increasingly feeling concerned about meeting their individual
demands. So what’s the result of this decrease in quality time
together? Does “out of sight, out of mind” sound scary? Well, to
some extent, this is what happens when couples take time off from
the relationship. They begin to disengage. However, there is a
simple solution to this dilemma. Couples should make a conscious
effort, and compromise, to increase their time together. You may
believe you’re saving time by dividing the errands, the visits, and the
routine chores between the two of you. However, many studies
support the notion that you should be adding to the time spent
together as opposed to the convenient other way around. Keep this
in mind: “In sight, is in mind!”
The second relationship dimension that frequently decreases for
pregnant couples is the extent to which they talk to each other. I’m
referring to “personal talk.” Pregnancy delivers changes to a
relationship so there should be plenty of personal things to discuss.
There are new, unsolved challenges, real and unreal problems to
solve, expectations about each other to exchange, opinions and
ideas about family life, concerns and worries about your new
responsibilities, and behavioral changes accompanying your
physical (both of you) changes. All of these are worthwhile and
necessary things to talk about and could consume all of your waking
hours together.
But couples do best when they continue to talk intimately together.
We can call it “love talk, close talk, just-you talk.” But it is different
than “pregnancy talk.” Pregnancy talk comes easy for most couples.
It’s a new subject that can generate hours of idea exchange. But the
tip to keep your relationship growing and glowing is by verbally
expressing your love and interest in each other – as individuals
separate from the new family. Remember how you talked together
before you became pregnancy? Well, keep doing just that!
The third dimension for a successful relationship, before, during,
and after pregnancy is touch. Touching activates a peptide secreted
from the posterior lobe of pituitary gland called Oxytocin. It is a
crucial bonding agent for relationships – think of it as hormonal
superglue. If someone holds you hand, your oxytocin levels will rise.
It that someone happens to be a person you care for, just thinking
about him or her will cause oxytocin levels in your bloodstream to go
up. Actually touching will make them surge even higher.
Oxytocin bonds and attaches us to those we love, or perhaps
causes us to love those it bonds us to – mates, family, friends,
babies. It is deeply involved in parenting behaviors, causes
contractions of the uterus during childbirth and orgasm, reduces
stress, and most importantly, keeps us in touch with each other.
Again, studies and observation show that couples touching time
decreases during pregnancy. Some researchers have speculated
that this is due to mothers generating higher levels of oxytocin by
carrying the baby, having higher estrogen levels (which helps
activate oxytocin) than normal, or simply getting lots of touching
from people other than her mate. But what about the other half of
pregnancy…your mate? What about his oxytocin level?
Before pregnancy, and perhaps as a way of getting to that state,
touching is a key ingredient for couple bliss. If this self-rewarding
habit decreases over the nine months of pregnancy it is frequently
difficult to regenerate. So my advice and that of couples married for
50 years is this: touch often and touch everywhere!
Here’s the summary: for successful relationships to become
sensational relationships 1.spend more one-on-one time together, 2.
increase the degree to which you talk intimately with your partner, 3.
and touch like crazy rabbits snuggled in the warren.
Best of luck.
Dr. Dad